The time honored tradition of the Fantasy Football draft and all its masculine glory. It’s really what I live for. Now just to be clear I know nothing about football. In previous years I’ve drafted players who had retired, been in jail or had already had season ending injured. I’ve been playing with the same league for about 5 years now and the only season I showed any signs of having a decent team was the one year I let my coworker take control. I don’t work with him anymore though and he’s pissed about it so The New Jersey Fuck Whisperers have to live with me as their coach for another year. I’m sorry guys.

Every year I tell myself there is no reason for me to even play. Everyone in the league throws in some money at the beginning of the season and at the end of the year the winner gets a pretty night pot. There’s no way I would ever win so really I’m just throwing money away. But this year I discovered my reason for sticking it out, well outside of getting a chance to make stupid comments and posts on the leagues message board. This year we partook in a live draft. Now normally we all just set our top picks and let the computer do the rest but with the live draft all the members of the league converge at a camp in Massachusetts and battle it out for players. More importantly we all bring a lot of beer and get pretty well lit during the 3 hours process.

To be 100% honest I spent more time in the beer store picking out what I was going to bring then I did trying to figure out my top picks. Pretty much the night before I did a Google search for “Fantasy Football Picks” and printed out the first list I found. I skipped ESPN and Yahoo’s lists just so it looked like I actually put some effort into picking a site to go with. I didn’t. At the beer store though I paced back and forth for a solid 15 minutes before making my selections.

They included:

A 12 of Smuttynose IPA
A 6 pack of Gritty McDuff’s Halloween Ale
A 22 of Wachusett Brewing Company California IPA
A 22 of Bear Republic’s Hop Rod Rye

Now before you go calling me an alcoholic you should know that I was splitting the 12 pack with someone and at the end of the day I still had 2 Halloween Ale’s left over. I don’t know how much I actually drank but I’m pretty sure it isn’t exactly what any sane doctor would recommend for a health lifestyle. Probably.

I’m proud to say I held my own in the draft, made solid selections in the first few rounds. By round 4 I was getting pretty well sauced and started to lose focus but the only real mistake I made was picking Glen Coffee, a running back who apparently retired to focus on his “spiritual goals”. Oddly enough he was also the only pick I made completely on my own after not being able to figure out who was at the top of my list. I was getting close to done and just saw the name “Coffee” and thought how could I go wrong, I love coffee. I’ve really got a eye for talent.

I’m even more proud of my beer selections though. Smuttynose I’ve had before and have always been a fan. Same goes for the Hop Rod Rye. The Halloween Ale and California IPA though were two picks I’ve never sampled and choices based mostly on not being able to find them in my area at home. Wachusett’s really made a great west coast IPA that packs a mighty hop punch without being to overpowering. The Halloween ale is a nice ESB with a solid malty backbone to it that might have been a bit much for the still warm weather but I was a big fan.

At the end of draft day I was happy, slightly drunk and satisfied with both my beer and player selections. The large cookie cake with “Yahoo Football” written on it also went over well. I know manly activities people. So yes I’m tossing fifty bucks out the window every year for this thing but can you really put a price on being able to get sauced with a large group of border line alcoholics with the most insane Boston accents you’ve ever heard? No, the answer is no. Stop thinking about it… it’s no.

On a side note with my new found love for the game of football I’ve decided to start watching the NFL this season. Congratulations New York Jets! Based on the show “Hard Knocks” I’ve officially selected you as my favorite team and I’ve decided to become your biggest fan of all time. You’re welcome!

So last week we discussed the good people of Maine and their love of shots. But it would be a real shame not to talk about their beer and how much of it I guzzled on our trip. It’s a blog about beer too so it kind of makes sense right? Good, I’m glad we agree.

Now as I mentioned we stayed in the fine town of Bar Harbor, which is up there in Maine. Way way up there. So far up there that if you squint you can almost see Canada. But my point is because we spent most of our time in Bar Harbor we drank a lot of their local brews, namely the offerings of the Atlantic Brewing Company. Now the greatest thing I found about the Bar Harbor is that every bar, and I really do mean every bar, has good beer on tap. At the very least all the bars we hit had Bar Harbor Real Ale on tap which is made by the good people at Atlantic Brewing. Most have this and a few other offerings from the brewery. It’s like the life blood of the town, if they ever stopped making it I think Bar Harbor could close and everyone there would die. And it’s pretty tasty to boot. The wife and I had a chance to get out to the brewery for a tour and it was mighty fun. I’d suggest also giving their Special Old Bitter a sample also, it’s tasty to the max. The Mrs. Beer and Joe went pretty gaga for their Blueberry Ale also. Just about every brewery up there makes a beer with blueberry in it but we both thought this one was the best.

We also found Shipyard Brewing and Gritty McDuff’s offerings on tap in a lot of places. Shipyard we get down in the New Jersey way so I have to admit I didn’t drink a lot of their beers but we did make it to the brewery in Portland. They put on a good tour and I picked up a bottle of Smashed Pumpkin. before heading out. We got to sample last years batch which had been ageing and I have to admit I’m pretty excited to crack this one open.

I did drink a good amount of Gritty McDuff’s though. I became a big fan of their IPA during our time there and I’m going to miss being able to grab a four pack of it at the local store. We also got to hi their brewpub in Portland and I had what might have been the hottest wings my tender little mouth has ever partaken in. I was a mess.

Seadog was another brew pub we hit up in Bangor with a hearty selection of brews that helped me pass out during the hour long ride back to our place. I thank them for that, my wife hates them now though.

Allagash makes a strong showing up there also. If there’s a beer we saw almost as much as the Real Ale it was their white ale. Which is hella good son and cracking a few in the afternoon while downing seven or eight lobsters is pretty freakin awesome.

By the end of the week I’m pretty sure my liver was angry with me. The fact that there’s so much good beer on tap up in Bar Harbor was both a good and a bad thing. Good in the fact that you never had a shortage of good drinking options and bad… well probably for the same reason. The good news though is we made it home alive and I’ve only gotten the shakes three times since our return. I’m pretty excited.

This past week the wife and I spent 7 lovely days in the rustic state of Maine. We learned many things. There’s a crap load of nature out there, Maine pumps our some great beer and probably most importantly that its natives love shots more than anything else in the world.

We spent most of the trip in the town of Bar Harbor and on most of those days we ended up in a bar for a couple drinks. Alright to be honest it was usually multiple bars for multiple drinks. Most of the bars served the same local beers for the most part and at just about every one we saw people doing shots. On our first day we stopped into The Thirsty Whale for what we learned was probably the best lobster roll in town and a couple beers for lunch. It was just before noon which might sound a little early to be knocking a couple back but keep in mind another couple came in, ordered two shots of whiskey and then went on their way. I should also mention during the trip I learned that a shot in Bar Harbor usually means a high ball glass filled about 2/3rds full. A hefty shot by anyone standards.

That night we stopped at McKays Public House for some beers and we were probably there for about 5 minutes before the bartender offered to do shots with us on him. Meaning he wasn’t going to charge us, he wasn’t asking us to do body shots off him or anything. That would have been kind of weird.

Probably the most amazing sight came on our second to last night in Bar Harbor. We hit a couple spots and then ended up at The Dog and Pony Tavern. One of the few spots that is open past 10 in the town. Because of this fact we quickly learned it’s where a lot of the locals who work at the other restaurants go to grab a few after they get off work. I’ve honestly never seen so many people doing shots in my life. Within a minute of being at the bar a guy came up and ordered 5 shots of some sort of awful concoctions. He was quickly reminded by his tiny little friend that he should get 6. A few minutes later another guy came up and ordered another 4. At one point a guy came up alone and ordered 1 shot. The bartender looked at him for about 5 seconds before the the guy chuckled and said “alright yeah make it 2”. I think doing only 1 shot is a sign of weakness or something. It was unreal. Everyone was wasted beyond explanation. There was a guy who looked to be in his 70’s that everyone called Uncle Ronnie. At one point when I was in the men’s room my wife overheard him say to another guy, “there sure is a lot of pussy here… I’m going to fart now.” That might be the greatest thing I’ve ever heard.

By no means am I saying Maine or the town of Bar Harbor is full of drunks. Everyone was super nice to us all week. The gang at The Dog and Pony might have been the friendliest group of drunks I’ve ever run into. Normally when you’re sober and mixed with a group of guys who are seconds away from passing out it’s a big annoying mess but these guys couldn’t have been more fun. I’m just saying that every place we went the people we met had an unreal ability to down shots. I for one couldn’t have been more impressed.

What a frightening name. What if I don’t brew free? How do you ever brew free really? I’m so confused and frightened by this beer. Plus, it comes in a can. Do you like it in the can? What the hell am I talking about anymore? I’m loosing it.

Anyway I’m a big fan of 21st Amendment and their cans. The San Fransisco shop is one of a handful of breweries out there today that’s breaking the myth that canned beer is dirty and filthy. Their Brew Free or Die IPA is living proof that if you believe cans are for scumbags you’re an asshole and will go straight to hell. Think about it, sounds harsh huh? They use 6 different kinds of hops in the brew and the first whiff you get from the aroma is just that, lots and lots of hops. A crisp bite comes with the first sip but is followed up quickly by a nice malty backbone. A dry finish tops things off but isn’t so overpowering that you can’t sit down and drink a few of these. A great balls out IPA that I’m happy to see out on the east coast now. The wife and I made it to the brewpub a few months back when we were in Cali and from what I sampled I’m hoping the rest of their brews will be canned in the near future. Suck this one down when you get a chance.

I refuse to hide my love for the state of New Jersey for you or anyone else for that matter. People dump all over the Garden State, no pun intended. But it’s really a wonderland of fun. It has more diners then any other state, it’s the second largest producer of blueberries in America and I freakin live there. I’m 99% sure I’ve put these facts in another post but whatever. New Jersey is awesome and the fact that the good people ate Flying Fish Brewing Co. are creating a beer to celebrate every exit on the NJ turnpike is awesome. The theme of this post is awesome.

The fourth stop on their trip took us to Exit 16, known to us locals as Hackensack/Meadowlands. If you’re not familiar with the area it’s where you New York jackasses come to watch your football teams play. Suck it. It’s also a bit of a wasteland but apparently at one time had a pretty hefty agricultural thingy going on there. That’s the technical term I believe. Plants and animals have been replaced by strip clubs and hotels though. Nothing for nothing I think it’s a improvement. But in honor of it’s once great agricultural system the Exit 16 beer is a double IPA brewed with wild rice.

Have to say I love this beer, it’s a double IPA but the hops and rice do a great job of covering up the 8% ABV. You get a lot of citrus in the nose, grapefruit or maybe even apricots. Floral and sassy all around. The flavor is pretty different from your standard IPA which is nice to see. The rice dries things out even more then you would expect but the beer is very drinkable. Lots of hops as you’d expect but not too overpowering. Well balance in general and really a great beer for a hot day. NJ represent people.

Every morning when I wake up and walk into the living room my turtle goes nuts. It’s got the brain the size of your thumbnail but it’s managed to learn one thing over the years. When the big blob walks into the room after it’s done being dark there’s going to be food raining from the sky. So every morning I walk out of the bedroom and the turtle becomes a violent arm flapping mess. If I didn’t know better I would think the filter had somehow shorted out and was electrocuting her to death. Oddly enough if something like that did happen my wife would have the same reaction as the turtle does in the morning. She’s not a fan of the turtle is my point, circle of life really.

Why am I tell you about this? Well recently it’s become apparent to me that I’m not much smarter then the turtle really. You see every night when the Mrs. BeerandJoe and I sit down to watch TV it’s inevitable that we’ll end up watching some crappy sitcom about a husband who pisses off his wife by doing some god awful stupid thing. Like going to a tractor pull on his anniversary by mistake or something. Men sure are dumb huh? As soon as he’s in the doghouse he won’t know what to do so he sits down his chums to discuss his trouble over a few beers. That’s where little turtle Joey perks up. The moment I see a beer on TV I go into a fit and need one in my hand immediately.  My wife doesn’t even have to ask anymore. The moment someone is drinking a beer she looks at me and seeing the gears going in my head. The thought process goes something like this:

1. Hum, those guys are drinking beer
2. Wait a second, I like beer… a lot!
3. Hold on! I think there might be beer in this very apartment!
4. Run to the kitchen and get beer

If we don’t have any beer I start to kick the cabinets and break glasses. Alright not really but I would if I could. Nobody puts Joey in the corner.

Have you ever seen a dog when it sees another dog on TV? They start barking and trying to attack the TV. I’m like that. I see a beer on TV and I need one in me that very second. There’s no stopping it. Do I have a problem? Sure probably but in my tiny little turtle mind the real problem is that I might not have enough been to make me happy. It’s how I was programmed kids. Come to think of it all we watch now are those reality TV shows where housewives sit around and drink wine and complain about their saggy fun bags. Wine has no such effect on me. I think my wife is planning this. To the tractor pull!

So it’s been almost a month since I had my big epiphany about posting non-beer related things and for a solid three days I really kept up with it. As expected I got lazy and left you sitting around wondering what happened to your friend Joe. So in a attempt to keep you entertained I thought I’d tell you the story of when I saw the movie The Human Centipede: First Sequence. Watch close, there’s some beer included.

So as you all know I also do some writing over at Bloodygoodhorror.com and sit in on their weekly podcast. Well about a month ago I got a chance to step up to the plate and do a full on movie review. What’s more I was actually going to go to a private screening of the movie before it saw a release. The film was The Human Centipede: First Sequence. Now if you’re not familiar with the flick in short it’s about a German doctor who decides he wants to sow three people together ass to mouth. Yes you read correctly. So needless to say I had to get in the right state of mind to go check this out.

Now if you’re looking for a way to find the right state of mind I can 100% tell you that slamming 6 beers and then heading to the theater is not the correct way to get it. But The Pony had their 1 year anniversary party on the same day as the screening and everyone who was a part of their All American club got open bar for 4 hours. I worked too god damn hard for that shirt to not get drunk for free so there was no way around it. And with 6 beers, about 12 wings and 3 sliders forced into my stomach in about an hour I headed off to check out the movie.

Now I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my day my friends and I’m willing to admit them. And while I did enjoy the movie I would warn anyone who’s going to sit down and watch it to not I repeat NOT get hammered beforehand. You don’t want to be sitting in a theater trying to pay attention to a guy sowing people’s asses while your bladder is being pressured by 6 pints worth of beer. At one point I had to get up and go to the mensroom and splash water in my face because I thought I was going to pass out. I’m not ashamed to admit it to you people and screw you for judging me. I spent the rest of the movie feeling like my head was going to explode I was so full of booze and confusion. Good times were had by all my friend, good times.

Check out my review of The Human Centipede: First Sequence here.