Every morning when I wake up and walk into the living room my turtle goes nuts. It’s got the brain the size of your thumbnail but it’s managed to learn one thing over the years. When the big blob walks into the room after it’s done being dark there’s going to be food raining from the sky. So every morning I walk out of the bedroom and the turtle becomes a violent arm flapping mess. If I didn’t know better I would think the filter had somehow shorted out and was electrocuting her to death. Oddly enough if something like that did happen my wife would have the same reaction as the turtle does in the morning. She’s not a fan of the turtle is my point, circle of life really.
Why am I tell you about this? Well recently it’s become apparent to me that I’m not much smarter then the turtle really. You see every night when the Mrs. BeerandJoe and I sit down to watch TV it’s inevitable that we’ll end up watching some crappy sitcom about a husband who pisses off his wife by doing some god awful stupid thing. Like going to a tractor pull on his anniversary by mistake or something. Men sure are dumb huh? As soon as he’s in the doghouse he won’t know what to do so he sits down his chums to discuss his trouble over a few beers. That’s where little turtle Joey perks up. The moment I see a beer on TV I go into a fit and need one in my hand immediately. My wife doesn’t even have to ask anymore. The moment someone is drinking a beer she looks at me and seeing the gears going in my head. The thought process goes something like this:
1. Hum, those guys are drinking beer
2. Wait a second, I like beer… a lot!
3. Hold on! I think there might be beer in this very apartment!
4. Run to the kitchen and get beer
If we don’t have any beer I start to kick the cabinets and break glasses. Alright not really but I would if I could. Nobody puts Joey in the corner.
Have you ever seen a dog when it sees another dog on TV? They start barking and trying to attack the TV. I’m like that. I see a beer on TV and I need one in me that very second. There’s no stopping it. Do I have a problem? Sure probably but in my tiny little turtle mind the real problem is that I might not have enough been to make me happy. It’s how I was programmed kids. Come to think of it all we watch now are those reality TV shows where housewives sit around and drink wine and complain about their saggy fun bags. Wine has no such effect on me. I think my wife is planning this. To the tractor pull!
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